We Need To Talk.

Beaumont: Louise, we need to talk.

Me: Uh huh. About what?

Beau: Like you don’t know.

Me: Ummm. Beau. No I don’t.

Beau: Yes you do.

Me: (sighing) Honestly Beau. I don’t. I can’t read your mind.

Beau: Really? And all this time I thought that’s how you wrote these conversations. By reading my mind.

Me: (sighing deeper) Sarcasm is the refuge of the verbally lazy.

Beau: Well… I wonder who you’re talking about. You do put the words in my mouth you know…

Me: Beau! Stop it. You don’t want to disillusion your fans who think you really can talk!

Beau: Which brings me right back to ‘our talk’.

Me: (another sigh) Oh dear. I hoped you’d forgotten.

Beau: How can I forget when I see gifts under the tree for my dad and sisters and brother and even something for that evil vixen cat, Zoey, and nothing for me!

Me: You’ve been peeking!?

Beau: I’m a dawg Louise. Not a saint.

Me: Well then. You’ve just given the reason why there are no gifts with your name on them under the tree.

Beau: Huh? All I see is that somehow Santa’s forgotten me.

Me: Beau… there is no Sa…

Beau: (interrupting me mid-sentence) Stop right there! And I know it’s just not true.

Me: Like the fact you can’t talk.

Beau: Oh Louise. Louise. The webs we do weave when first we set out to deceive.

Me: Don’t go quoting Shakespeare on me Beau.

Beau: Ummm… Louise. It wasn’t Shakespeare. It was Sir Walter Scott and to quote his exact words, “Oh, what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive!”

Me: (sighing again) Whoever said it, I have no idea what you mean.

Beau: I mean you want my readers to believe I really do say all these things then I think you can at least leave my belief in Santa Claus unsullied by your human folly to give up believing in magic.

Me: I believe in magic!

Beau: Prove it. Make my gifts appear under the tree right now!

Me: I can’t do that.

Beau: See! And I so wanted to believe…. (dramatic pause)… in you.

Me: You can believe in me Beau! I just can’t put your gifts under the tree yet.

Beau: You’d better have a good reason why not.

Me: Santa doesn’t come until the 25th????

Beau: Hmmm…. Nope. Sorry. Not a good enough reason. Zoey has a gift under the tree.

Me: That’s from you.

Beau: Me? Why on earth would I give that four-legged hissing claw swatting vixen a gift?

Me: Because she’s your cousin?

Beau: Again, not a good enough reason.

Me: Because it’s the season and you’re just an all around generous dawg?

Beau: Hmmm… well that’s more like me.

Me: (under my breath. Sarcastically.) So glad you think so.

Beau: Remind me… what did you say about sarcasm?

Me: Fine. I haven’t put your gifts under the tree because you’d probably tear into the packages to get at the treats.

Beau: Oh ye of little faith Louise.

Me: I have lots of faith in your ability to sniff out treats Beau.

Beau: Ohhhh. So you’ve got some delectable delicacies for me?

Me: Stop it! You’ll ruin the surprise.

Beau: The surprise will be when you magically make these gifts appear!

Me: I told you why I can’t.

Beau: True. So… as an article of good faith, because I really do want to believe in you Louise, I think you should at least make one of the treats appear right now. Just so I can do a sniff test of course… I promise, I won’t eat it. (and he smiles innocently and gives me that doe eye look)

Me: Promise?

Beau: Dawg’s honour.

And so, I get one of his special Christmas treats I’ve hidden high up in the front hall closet and let him sniff it and then… he gives me that doe-eye look again and of course… I let him eat it.

Sigh…. I really did think I might win this one yet somehow, Beaumont always manages to get in the last word – and bite!

Beau: Hey! I kept my promise! I didn’t try to eat it until you practically forced it down my throat. Not my fault if you have no discipline Louise.

I wonder if it’s too late to get him on Santa’s naughty list?

Beau: I heard that.

Sigh… of course he did!