He’s Back!

Me: So… that’s quite the woeful look, Beau.

Beau: Well… I’ve got quite a few fans missing me Louise.

Me: Yes. I know Beau. But, life, and unfortunately, death, got in the way.

Beau: And you went missing.

Me: Not missing Beau so much as, into myself.

Beau: And where are you now? In or out?

Me: In or out of what, Beau?

Beau: Where ever you were.

Me: I told you, I went into myself.

Beau: So, are you into yourself or out of yourself?

Me: Um… well… I guess I’m always into myself, it’s just I’m able one again to be out here with you again.

Beau: You know, you can be very confusing sometimes Louise. One minute, you’re not here because you’ve gone into yourself, yet I can still see you and then, you’re here but still into yourself. I mean, seriously, doesn’t that confuse you too?

Me: Well…. yes.

Beau: Then stop it.

Me: It’s not that easy Beau.

Beau: If you want to be here, in the moment and being into yourself is keeping you from being here, and you know that, why is it so hard to stop it?

Me: Oh dear. I don’t know?

Beau: Ha! You know better than to pose a statement as a question, Louise. Perhaps the answer is easy. You just say, “This isn’t working for me anymore,” and then you stop it. Kind of like my blog. It wasn’t working for you anymore so you stopped it. And then you stopped stopping it and now you’re back which means I’m back. Here. Full stop.

Me: It wasn’t that your blog wasn’t working for me anymore Beau. It was more that I wasn’t focused on working on your blog because of all the other things going on in my life and just kind of feeling overwhelmed and sad and well, let’s just say it, I was grieving the loss of my sister, Jackie.

Beau: I miss her too, Louise. She always had the best hugs and, she always paid attention to me when she came over. I miss her. But missing here doesn’t mean I stop doing the things that work for me. It means, I need to stop ‘the missing’ of her and instead celebrate the fact she was in my life since I was a wee pup and I had almost 9 years of her fawning over me and cuddling me whenever she visited.

Me: You’ve got a point Beau.

Beau: Of course I do Louise. And my point is, you can still grieve and pay attention to what’s important for you to create the more of what you want in your life. Get me?

Me: Yes Beau. I get you.

Beau: Good. So, now that we’ve got that cleared up, can we talk about how we’re going to proceed in this New Year? Are you committed to do what it takes to get my blog posted every Sunday? Are you committed to turning up here with me so that my fans don’t have to miss me?

Me: Well Beau. I’d like to set myself up for success. Can I commit to every second Sunday to begin with and if I do post every Sunday it’s a bonus. You know, just until I get into the swing of things. Right?

Beau: Hmmmm….. Ok. I’m all about setting hoomans up for success (you kind of sometimes do a crummy job of it on your own… know what I mean?) (smiling sweetly). So… sure. Let’s begin with the every second Sunday committment with the caveat you will post if you can on the alternate Sundays. Deal?

Me: Yes. Beau. Deal.

Beau: Good. Now. It’s still dark out. It snowed last night and I’m a wee bit chilled. I’m going back to bed with C.C. Wake me up when it’s time for my walk.

—————–

And so, Beau goes back to bed and I sit and watch the lights on the pedestrian bridge I can see outside my window as I type. Like the river flowing past, it reminds me that there is always a connection between the past and present, but we mere humans can only be present in the time in which we are present. The lights on the bridge change colour, shifting from red to white, then to purple, green, and blue, before cycling back again. Their soft glow eases night into morning with a mystical light on this snowy first Sunday of January.

The river flows, not yet icebound, and on this early Sunday morning, very little traffic crosses the vehicle bridge further along the river.

It has been a tumultuous few months.

I’m finding my footing again. Bridging the gap between life before my sister died on November 24th and today, holding memory as a sacred gift of love, living fully in this moment right now.