The Recall Audit

Beau: Why are you so upset, Louise? Your hair is doing that frantic thing again.

Me: You disappeared on me! I was terrified.

Beau: Of what? That I’d find a better home? Or that I’d grabbed the fin of a dolphin and was currently riding the waves to victory?

Me: Don’t be ridiculous. I was scared I’d lost you.

Beau: Um… isn’t me riding a dolphin essentially the same as you losing me? Except way more majestic?

Me: Beau, you taking a joyride on a marine mammal is physically impossible.

Beau: How do you know?

Me: I just do.

Beau: Oh, grasshopper. You humans are so narrow-minded and unimaginative. You fear the possible and embrace the boring. Man walked on the moon, right? Why can’t a Sheepadoodle charter a dolphin?

Me: Can we please get back to you vanishing into thin air?

Beau: But I didn’t vanish. Look at me. I’m right here. Granted, after my fabulous swim, I am seventy percent ocean water right now, but I am present.

Me: But you were gone and I had no idea where you were! I was racing up and down the trail and the rocky beach like a lunatic.

Beau: Louise, you leave the house all the time and don’t give me your itinerary. I don’t wag my paw at you and say, ‘Don’t you ever do that again.’ Nor do I go screaming down the driveway like a banshee.

Me: I wasn’t screaming. I was using my assertive recall voice. Remember the basic rule? I call, you come.

Beau: And how’s that working out for you today?

Me: Seriously? What was the point of puppy school and months of a private tutor if you completely ignore the core concept of Recall?

Beau: (Smiling sweetly, dripping seawater onto my shoes) Didn’t I come back?

Me: Not when I called!

Beau: Well, obviously. I couldn’t hear you. My ears were underwater. Do you know how loud an otter clicks when you’re closing distance?

Me: So you were chasing wildlife! Beau, otters are dangerous!

Beau: I was negotiating border control. There is a difference. Besides, I thought you were the one always writing about reclaiming your jurisdiction and refusing to be managed.

Me: That applies to women, Beau. Not dogs who think an otter is a playmate they just haven’t met yet.

Beau: Jurisdiction is jurisdiction, Louise. You claim yours, I claim mine. Now, if you’re quite done racing up and down the cliffs, I require a towel, a high-protein snack – a T-Bone will suffice – and a three-hour nap to recover from my sovereignty session. Move your feet, grasshopper. This supermodel is cold.