The Art of Doing Nothing. Doggie Style.

Me: Why so glum looking, Beau?

Beau: Oh, you narrow-sighted human. This is not glum, Louise. It’s relaxed. You should try it.

Me: I relax a lot!

Beau: Be specific.

Me: About relaxing?

Beau: Yes. How often? When? What does it feel like?

Me: Don’t be ridiculous. Being specific about relaxing sounds entirely too unrelaxed to me.

Beau: Hmmm. Good one. But you’re just practising the fine art of avoidance.

Me: Am not! I’m just saying, in my relaxed state, I don’t need to be specific.

Beau: And I’m saying you can’t be specific because you don’t know what a relaxed state is. Look at today. You’ve confused my relaxation with being glum.

Me: Well, you look glum to me.

Beau: I rest my case.

Me: Fine. I read. That’s relaxing.

Beau: What do you read?

Me: Books. Articles. Substacks.

Beau: And while you’re reading?

Me: What do you mean?

Beau: Are you just reading?

Me: Mostly.

Beau: Mostly?

Me: I might check my phone.

Beau: Ah.

Me: Or answer a message.

Beau: Ahhh.

Me: Or look something up.

Beau: Oh yes. We’re relaxing up a storm now.

Me: Fine. I garden.

Beau: You weed.

Me: That’s relaxing.

Beau: You make lists while you weed.

Me: How do you know that?

Beau: Your lips move.

Me: I sit on the deck.

Beau: And write.

Me: Sometimes.

Beau: Or make lists.

Me: Occasionally.

Beau: Or throw the ball for me and call it a walk.

Me: We have already discussed that.

Beau: I’m seeing a pattern.

Me: I know how to relax, Beau.

Beau: Louise, you know how to stop moving. I’m not sure you know how to stop doing.

(Pause.)

Me: There’s a difference?

Beau: Like being a lap dog versus a real dog.

Me: You’re a Sheepadoodle.

Beau: My point exactly. I’m a real dog.

Me: Right. Okay. So enlighten me, oh furry Zen master.

Beau: Gladly.

(He closes his eyes.)

Me: That’s it?

Beau: That’s it.

Me: But you’re doing nothing.

Beau: Exactly.

Me: But what’s the point?

Beau: There isn’t one.

Me: Everything has a point.

Beau: And that’s it.

Me: What’s it?

Beau: Your problem.

Me: I do not have a problem.

Beau: You can’t even do nothing without wanting it to accomplish something.

Me: Well, presumably relaxing accomplishes relaxation.

Beau: Louise.

Me: What?

Beau: You’re exhausting me.

Me: Very funny.

Beau: I’m serious. You hoomans have turned relaxing into another item on your to-do lists.

Me: We have not.

Beau: Yoga. Meditation. Ten thousand steps. Mindfulness apps. Breathing exercises. Spa days.

Me: Those are all good things!

Beau: I didn’t say they weren’t. I’m just wondering when you stopped knowing how to lie on the couch with one leg hanging off the side.

Me: Is that your definition of relaxation?

Beau: No.

Me: What is?

Beau: Not needing the moment to be anything other than what it is.

(Pause.)

Me: Oh. That’s actually rather profound.

Beau: I know.

Me: So I should just… sit here?

Beau: If you want.

Me: And do nothing?

Beau: If you want.

Me: For how long?

Beau: Oh, for dog’s sake.

Me: What?

Beau: You’re scheduling it already.

Me: I was just asking!

Beau: Try five minutes.

Me: Okay. (I settle back into the couch. Beau closes his eyes. I close mine.)

(Pause.)

Me: Beau?

Beau: Mmmm?

Me: Has it been five minutes?

Beau: Thirty-seven seconds.

Me: Oh.

(Pause.)

Me: Beau?

Beau: Louise.

Me: What am I supposed to think about?

Beau: Nothing.

Me: But…

Beau: Shhhh.

(Pause.)

Me: Beau?

Beau: WHAT?

Me: I think I’m getting it.

Beau: You aren’t.

Me: That’s not nice.

Beau: Truth hurts. Wear it.

Me: Beau I’m trying to relax. Why can’t you be more encouraging?

Beau: Because. You’re. Still. Talking. (He closes his eyes again.) Now shush. I’m busy.

Me: Doing what?

Beau: Nothing.

(Pause.)

Beau: I’m very good at it.

(Pause.)

Beau: The Art of Doing Nothing. Doggie Style.

Me: Beau, do you know what “doggie style” means?

Beau: Of course. Look at me.

Me: Never mind.

Beau: Finally. You’re learning.