Me: Beaumont, that bench is for humans.
Beau: Well that’s rather prejudicial of you isn’t it?
Me: Prejudicial? Well, aren’t we being erudite.
Beau: I’m not some illiterate cad you know. Or maybe I should say cat.
Me: Right. And unlike cats, you can read.
Beau: Yes. I know exactly what’s written on this bench.
Me: And what’s that?
Beau: I’m the best dawg in the world.
Me: Actually it says every dog is the best dog in the world.
Beau: In your world I’m the only one that matters.
Beau: That’s all you’ve got to say?
Me: Uh. huh.
Beau: Cat got your tongue?
Me: I’m waiting for you to get off the bench.
Beau: And I’m waiting for you to state unequivocally that I’m the best dog in the world.
Me: Wow. This must be a big word day for you.
Beau: Again I repeat, I’m not some illiterate cat.
Beau: So, are you going to say it?
Me: Are you going to get off the bench?
Beau: You first.
Me: You get off the bench and I’ll say it.
Beau: You say it and I’ll get off the bench.
Me: A good dog would obey.
Beau: A good hooman would acknowledge their dawg is the best dawg in the world.
Me: Fine. You’re the best dawg in the world. (pause) Why haven’t you gotten off the bench yet?.
Beau: I’m waiting.
Me: For what? I said it. That was the deal.
Beau: Say it like you mean it.
Beau: Say it like you seriously mean it.
Me: We had a deal.
Beau: And when you fulfill on your part of the deal, I’ll keep my part.
Me: (with sincerity) Dearest Beaumont. I think you’re the best dog in the world.
Beau: Cool. Now prove it and throw the ball.
Beau: What do you think I’ve been waiting for?
Sigh. And so I threw the ball and Beau got off the bench.
And as to W.R. Purche’s quote, “Everyone thinks they have the best dog. And none of them are wrong.” – he obviously never met Beau.