Benched!

Me:  Beaumont, that bench is for humans.

Beau:  Well that’s rather prejudicial of you isn’t it?

Me:  Prejudicial?  Well, aren’t we being erudite.

Beau:   I’m not some illiterate cad you know. Or maybe I should say cat.

Me: Right. And unlike cats, you can read.

Beau:  Yes. I know exactly what’s written on this bench.

Me:  And what’s that?

Beau:   I’m the best dawg in the world.

Me:  Actually it says every dog is the best dog in the world.

Beau:  In your world I’m the only one that matters.

Me:  Right.

Beau:  That’s all you’ve got to say?

Me:  Uh. huh.

Beau:  Cat got your tongue?

Me:  I’m waiting for you to get off the bench.

Beau:   And I’m waiting for you to state unequivocally that I’m the best dog in the world.

Me:  Wow. This must be a big word day for you.

Beau:  Again I repeat, I’m not some illiterate cat.

Me:  Right.

Beau:   So, are you going to say it?

Me:  Are you going to get off the bench?

Beau:  You first.

Me:   You get off the bench and I’ll say it.

Beau:  You say it and I’ll get off the bench.

Me:  A good dog would obey.

Beau:  A good hooman would acknowledge their dawg is the best dawg in the world.

Me:    Fine. You’re the best dawg in the world.  (pause)  Why haven’t you gotten off the bench yet?.

Beau:  I’m waiting.

Me:  For what?  I said it. That was the deal.

Beau:  Say it like you mean it.

Me:  Seriously?

Beau:  Say it like you seriously mean it.

Me:  We had a deal.

Beau:   And when you fulfill on your part of the deal, I’ll keep my part.

Me:  (with sincerity) Dearest Beaumont. I think you’re the best dog in the world.

Beau:  Cool. Now prove it and throw the ball.

Me:  Seriously?

Beau:  What do you think I’ve been waiting for?

Sigh. And so I threw the ball and Beau got off the bench. 

And as to W.R. Purche’s quote, “Everyone thinks they have the best dog. And none of them are wrong.” – he obviously never met Beau.