I know we’ve never met and you think I’m just some fluffed up shaggy dawg toy but seriously, I am in awe of you and I so want to be friends. It’s not like you’ll have to share your food or even your toys, but we could play together. I’d let you pull on my fur and if you wanted, you could take out my squeaky and give it a few tweaks.
Seriously bro, Louise talked about you constantly when she was here. She even made me listen to her talk to you on phone — and remember how she made us kiss on FaceTime? Yeah. She’s got it real bad for you — but that said, I feel like we’re kinda blood bros after that smooch. Don’t you?
I just gotta say, she sure loves you. Like, if I could have some chic love me that way my life would be one big toybox of a dream! Like over the moon cow jumpin’, the dish droppin’ the spoon ’cause it’s mouth fell wide open kind of dream.
Buddy, you don’t know how good you got it.
Me, I hang out of a bag hung on a door handle of the little boy’s bedroom. Sometimes, his baby sister crawls all over me and pulls my ears and tongue and even tries to poke my eyes out. I mean, you try living as a stuffed-up dawg toy to two little hoomans who are more interested in what makes you work that working out a real live relationship with you.
But don’t get me wrong, bro. The littles are cute but they don’t hold a candle to your awesomeness. I mean really. You can bark at will. You chase the ball, real far I’m told, and you even swim in the river.
Oh dawg. You got a charmed life so… now that Louise is home, can you pretty, pretty puhlease give her a bit of slack? She missed you so.
Yours with dawggone affection,
Thank you for your letter. Your request has been filed in the ‘hell freezin’ over’ bin and will be considered in due course (actually once I’ve given Louise enough cold shoulder she feeds me steak and takes me to the mountains for a romp in wild flower strewn fields blowin’ in the wind. Kind of like how your letter will be if it ever thaws out.)
Ooops. Didn’t mean to write that. Too bad. Soo sad.
What I really meant to say is I shall consider your request once I’ve finished making Louise pay for going away – and for missing my blog last Sunday! I mean seriously? She thinks that’s ok? And because she took her laptop with her, I couldn’t even sneak on and paw my missive myself. Ha! She probably knew it wouldn’t be all licks and tale wags so she kept me away from the keyboard.
Anyway, thanks for the letter. I think. I’ll get back to you. maybe. One day. But then, if no one has ever been to hell and come back to tell the story, how will a dawg know when it freezes over?
Sorry dude. It may be awhile.
Mine in real dawg superiority,
Beau, the Real Top Dawg