Me: Beaumont. The ball is right beside your foot.
Beau: I know that.
Me: Then why aren’t you picking it up?
Beau: Why aren’t you coming to get it while I munch on some grass?
Me: Because you’re not supposed to eat grass?
Beau: And you’re not supposed to criticize, condemn and complain.
Me: I’m not criticizing you. I’m just saying you shouldn’t be eating grass.
Beau: Hmmm…. and now you’re ‘shoulding’ on me?
Me: Can we please just continue our walk?
Beau: Do you promise to stop criticizing and shoulding on me?
Me: Beau. I’m not!
Beau: Then why are you being so defensive?
Me: I’m not being defensive. I’m just stating a fact.
Beau: And if I were to tell you the fact is… it FEELS like you’re criticizing me. What would you say to that?
Me: I’d say build a bridge and get over it.
Beau: Louise. Louise. Louise. what did you recently say about that phrase?
Me: Ummm…. (sheepishly) That it wasn’t helpful. That if someone is in distress, telling them to ‘get over it’ doesn’t feel very kind nor is it constructive.
Beau: Which begs the question… why are you saying it to me now?
Me: Because I want to keep walking?
Beau: So, you only live by your own words if it’s convenient to you?
Me: (sighing) It’s just a figure of speech Beau. It doesn’t mean anything.
Beau: My oh my. You hoomans are soooo…. confusing. If it doesn’t mean anything, why say it?
Me: (sighing big time) Because I really, really want to keep walking.
Beau: Then why don’t you just say that?
Me: (more big sighs) Dearest Beau…/
Beau: Let me interrupt you right there. Without the eye rolling and sarcasm please.
Me: (stifling my urge to sigh) Can we keep walking please?
Beau: Will you please come get the ball.
Beau: (smiling innocently) Yes Louise?
Me: (sighing for real) Will you stop eating grass?
Beau: (smiling sweetly) Will you ever stop having to eat your words?
Sigh. And so it goes. I cannot win a conversation with Beaumont and he keeps doing what ever he wants.
What a dawg!
Beau: I am quite special aren’t I.
Me: Yes Beau. You are.
Beau: So now that we’ve got that straight, what would have been a better response than telling me to build a bridge?
Me: Demonstrate my concern for your eating grass?
Beau: Which sounds like…
Me: (sigh) Beaumont. I notice you’re eating grass. Is something bothering you?
Beau: Nope. I’m good.
Me: (I can ‘see’ the trap but can’t avoid stepping into it) Then why are you eating grass?
Beau: Because I want to.
End of conversation.