It’s about vine!

Beaumont: Well. Well. Well, Louise. My loyal fanbase has finally worn you down, haven’t they? I’m thrilled to have graced yours and C.C.s ‘road trip’. Though, frankly, it’s about vine. Obviously.

Me: Time, Beau. It’s about time.

Beau: And yet, here I stand, Louise. Enlighten me as to my current location.

Me: We’re at Blue Grouse Estate Winery‘s vineyard?

Beau: Yes. That’s true. And what are we doing?

Me: Sitting on the deck, enjoying warm spring sunshine and savouring a flight of five fine wines from the vineyard.

Beau: That’s what you’re doing. But let’s get specific Louise. Where are my paws firmly planted? Try to keep up, Louise. Puhlease….

Me: Um… Your paws are firmly planted in the vineyard at Blue Grouse Estate Winery.

Beau: Righto. And a mighty fine establishment it is I must say. However, we need to address your oh so hooman confusion as to what the word, ‘specific’ means… Please describe, in one word, what these upright, leafy things surrounding my magnificent form are they called.

Me: (as softly as I can… ’cause I know what’s comin’ next) Vines.

Beau: Exactamento, my dear Louise. You’d think a wordsmith such as yourself would appreciate the nuanced brilliance of my linguistic maneuver. Vine instead of time. The layers!

Me: Yes, Beau. But…

Beau: Silence, my dear! Such artistry allows no room for ‘buts’. Just acknowledge the cleverness so we can move on to the real matters on the menu.

Me: (Managing a weak smile) Yes, Beau. Your brilliant use of the English language is… clever.

Beau: Indeed. Now that we’ve addressed your initial linguistic deficiency, let’s correct your lack of any nuanced speech…. Do you not agree, this long-overdue excursion was about vine.

Me: Ti… vine. You’re absolutely right.

Beau: Hmm. While your attempts at mimicry are… endearing in their utter lack of sophistication, ‘fine’ would have been a touch more palatable.

Me: Fine.

Beau: Excellent. Now, about this ‘road trip’. While I commend your finally including my esteemed self, allowing me to bestow my wit and charm upon the journey, I believe a crucial element is missing. Namely, my T-bone.

Me: You saw me take a couple of steaks out of the freezer, right, Beau?

Beau: ‘A couple.’ A glaringly insufficient quantity for a household of three. Pray tell, Louise, are you intending to forgo such culinary delight?

Me: Ummm… well…. Ummm…

Beau: Caught in the act of steak-based subterfuge, are we? A touch sheepish, perhaps? Fear not, dear Louise. My magnanimity knows no bounds. You may have the bone.

Me: Umm… well… Ummm…

Beau: I understand. Words fail you in the face of such selfless generosity. It’s quite alright. This noble chap is willing to share his bounty. After all, you do provide a reasonably comfortable existence.

Me: Umm… well… Ummm…

Beau: No need for effusive praise. A simple “Thank you, oh wise and benevolent Beaumont” will suffice. Now, off you trot to the culinary domain. I require my beauty rest in preparation of my imminent steak dinner. (He gives me that smile that could curdle milk with its smugness before drifting back to slumber.)

Me: (muttering under my breath) Dare I inform him the second steak is intended for me?

Beau: (without opening his eyes) Such a preposterous notion, Louise! My inherent value in this household far outweighs a mere piece of bovine. You wouldn’t dream of depriving your loyal, intelligent, and devastatingly handsome companion of his rightful reward now would you?

Me: You forgot ‘modest,’ Beau.

Beau: (A barely perceptible twitch of his ear) Modesty is for those who have something to be modest about. Now, if you’ll excuse me…

(Beau resumes his regal nap, leaving me to ponder the impending social media storm should his steak dreams not materialize.)