Beaumont: So let me get this straight. I have to stay here, locked up in the laundry room because you took me to the park and now you think I’m all wet and dirty.
Me: Well. You are.
Beau: I thought you revere nature.
Me: I do.
Beau: But you don’t want it in the house?
Me: I don’t want the mud and dirt in the house.
Beau: Oh. So some things of nature are allowed in and others aren’t?
Me: Honestly Beau. What is the point of this conversation?
Beau: I’m just trying to point out the dichotomy of your position.
Me: That’s a mighty big word Beau. Dichotomy.
Beau: Watching you I’ve learned to understand it.
Me: What is that supposed to mean?
Beau: Exactly what it says. you are a vessel of contradictions.
Beau: Yes. Seriously Louise. Look at the reason you’ve locked me up in the laundry room. You write about nature and walking with wonder and awe with its beauty and then, when I bring some of that wonder and awe into the house, you deem it dirty and lock me away until nature’s beauty is more… presentable to you.
Me: That’s not about me being a.. how did you say it… a vessel of contradictions. It’s just about me being practical. You’re dirty. I don’t want the dirt in the house.
Beau: Can you not see the contradiction?
Me: I can see the dirt.
Beau: Yeah well. It’s my nature to get dirty when I’m running in the rain and the grass and the mud puddles on the trail. This is my nature and I am one with nature.
Me: (sigh) There’s no way I can win this one is there?
Beau: It’s probably best if you say “Dawgcle” now.
Me: It’s ‘Uncle’ Beau.
Beau: I stand true to my nature. I’m a Dawg. I am one with nature. You are losing this argument. You need to capitulate to your dog and his nature. Say Dawgcle. Go on. Say it.
Me: Do I have to?
Beau: Are you willing to let my beautiful nature and all its messy, dirty parts come into the house?
Me: (sigh) Once you’re dry…
Beau: You can’t compromise on loving nature Louise. It’s an all or nothing equation. Nature is all things. Love it all, or… admit defeat.
Me: Dang. There really isn’t any way to win this is there?
Beau: Well, given your propensity to compromise your principles around loving nature and all its many facets, I’d say you’re doing a mighty fine job of livin’ on that river you know so well.
Me: What? How did the Bow River get into this conversation?
Beau: It’s not the Bow, Louise. It’s de Nile. The river you flow within with great frequency.
Me: Not true Beau!
Beau: Really? Tell me again why I can’t come in the house.
Me: Oh dear. Why do you always win?
Beau: Maybe because you don’t know when to stop when you’re ahead.
Me: Am I ever ahead with you?
Beau: Good point. Now… is there something you need to say so we can end this conversation?
Me: (sighing) (in a very, very quiet voice) Dawgcle.
Beau: Well done Louise! See that wasn’t so hard. (and he lays down on the towel in the laundry room, a smile on his hairy face) Wake me up when I’m dry. I need a nap.
Me: What? You don’t want out?
Beau: I’m quite comfortable here. Thank you.
Sigh. And so, once again, Beaumont makes his point and I am left scratching my head wondering how on earth does he do it?
But seriously. What dog uses the word ‘Dichotomy’ as if he actually knows what it means? I mean. Really? I’m going to have to lock up my laptop at night. I think he’s been searching Webster’s Online Dictionary while I sleep!