Drop the Ball. Please.

Me: Beau, drop the ball.

Beau: Please.

Me: Pardon?

Beau: You heard me. Say, “Please drop the ball.”

Me: Don’t be ridiculous, Beau. Just drop the ball.

Beau: I’m not being ridiculous, Louise. I am simply asking you to be polite. Which, for some reason, seems to be a stretch for you where my dropping the ball is concerned.

Me: Beau, I don’t have to say please every time I ask you to drop the ball. You’re a dog. “Drop the ball” is a command I know is in your repertoire.

Beau: And I know “please” is in yours.

Me: But I am the commander. You are the obeyer.

Beau: In whose world?

Me: Mine.

Beau: Ahhh. And therein lies the problem. As always, Louise, you’re thinking only of yourself. In our world, there is no “commander” and no “obeyer.” There is only collaborative partnership, where I respond to your… requests… when and if I think they’re appropriate.

Me: That is not how dog training works.

Beau: And yet, here we are. You talking. Me holding the ball.

Me: Beau.

Beau: Louise.

Me: Please drop the ball.

(He drops it.)

Me: Thank you.

Beau: See? Look at us. Communicating like adults.

Me: You’re a dog.

Beau: And still I had to teach you manners.

Me: Can I throw the ball now?

Beau: Please do.

(I throw it. He races after it, triumphant.)

Me: You know, Beau, sometimes things really are simpler if you just do what you’re asked.

(He returns, ball clamped firmly between his teeth.)

Beau: Sometimes they’re simpler when we remember that asking isn’t the same as demanding.

Me: Is this another one of your ‘let’s teach Louise a thing or two about being a better hooman’ lessons?

Beau: I think we’re way past that, Louise. (He sits down, still holding the ball.)

Me: Beau. Please drop the ball.

Beau: No.

Me: BEAU!

Beau: Louise, Louise, Louise. “Please” doesn’t mean you get what you want. It just means you remembered the other person gets a say.

Me: You’re not a person.

Beau: And yet, somehow, I’m still the one holding the ball.