Beaumont: I demand an audience.
Me: Excuse me?
Beau: You heard me. I need to be heard. Now.
Me: Well, aren’t we just the demanding sort this morning.
Beau: I already said that.
Me: Ya. Ya. Whatever. What for?
Beau: Seriously? You’re going to use sloppy English in a time like this?
Me: (sigh) What is it you’d like to talk to me about in this audience you are demanding Sir Beau?
Beau: Did you just roll your eyes at me?
Beau: Wow. And here I thought you were the mature one.
Me: Look. I know. I know. Not pretty but it’s snowing out and I’m feeling as grey as the sky! So back off. Ok?
Beau: Whoa lady! No need to get all huffy-puffy about it.
Me: (taking a deep breath) Ok. You’re right. I’m being a tad snarky but….
Beau: A tad? If by a ‘tad’ you mean a lot. I agree. I’m just trying to get an audience here with you so that I can have my say and all you keep doing is whatever you’re doing and ignoring me.
Me: Excuse me? When has anything I’ve been busy doing kept you from having your say?
Beau: Never actually. But the point isn’t about me having my say. It’s about you listening to what I have to say and actually hearing me.
Me: Beau. I listen to you all the time. When you tell me you want to go out. I take you out. When you say you want to cuddle. We cuddle. When you say your dish is empty, I fill it. Isn’t that listening and hearing you?
Beau: Did I say I wanted this haircut?
Me: Oh that. Well. It’s spring. You needed to get shaved down.
Beau: It’s snowing out.
Me: Well, how was I to know spring would stay in hibernation all the way into April?
Beau: You’re still mad about my muddy paws. Go ahead. You can admit it.
Me: I am not mad about your muddy paws, Beau.
Beau: So why’d you do this to me then? Why’d you get me almost skinned?
Me: You aren’t almost skinned Beau. Besides. You look handsome.
Beau: Ha! That’s easy enough for you to say. You’re not the one being forced to run around in the snow in their birthday suit.
Me: Hey! I offered to put your cowsuit coat on to keep you warm.
Beau: See. Just as I said. You don’t listen to me.
Me: Now what did I miss?
Beau: I told you in January that suit is not on my brand and I am not jeopardizing my brand just because you think it’s cute.
Me: So… you’re saying you’d rather be cold?
Beau: I’m saying my dignity is worth more than a few photo ops for your Instagram account. But anyway, you’ve changed the subject. This is about me. Not you.
Me: (sigh) Isn’t it always.
Beau: When you don’t avoid the questions, change the subject or pretend you can’t hear me. Yes.
Me: (another sigh. a long one.) I’m listening.
Beau: I want an apology.
Me: For what?
Beau: Isn’t it obvious?
Me: If you’re a dawg maybe.
Beau: I want you to apologize for this atrocity of a haircut.
Me: And after the apology what do you want me to do to make amends?
Beau: You know you’re rolling your eyes again, right?
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
Beau: I don’t think you’re taking this very seriously Louise.
Me: Am I supposed to?
Beau: If you don’t want me to go roll in a mudpuddle. Yes.
Me: You wouldn’t dare!
Beau: Try me. You know it will eventually warm up again and the snow will melt and… well… you get the picture.
Me: (sigh) I apologize.
Beau: I apologize for….
Me: (sigh – but no eye rolling) For not consulting you on your haircut before taking you to the groomers.
Beau: Good. Now, for amends, I want steak for dinner every night this week.
Beau: Do you smell spring in the air…?
Beau: Off you go now. You’re dismissed.
Sigh. And so, off I went. But seriously. How does he do that? Always win? Even when I know I’m in the right? Oh wait. In a dawg’s world, it’s not about right and wrong, it’s all about who’s Top Dawg. And we know who that is in this household!