I Demand An Audience

Beaumont:  I demand an audience.

Me:  Excuse me?

Beau:  You heard me. I need to be heard. Now.

Me:  Well, aren’t we just the demanding sort this morning.

Beau:  I already said that.

Me:  Ya. Ya. Whatever. What for?

Beau:  Seriously? You’re going to use sloppy English in a time like this?

Me:  (sigh) What is it you’d like to talk to me about in this audience you are demanding Sir Beau?

Beau:  Did you just roll your eyes at me?

Me:  Maybe…

Beau:   Wow. And here I thought you were the mature one.

Me:  Look. I know.  I know. Not pretty but it’s snowing out and I’m feeling as grey as the sky! So back off. Ok?

Beau:  Whoa lady! No need to get all huffy-puffy about it.

Me:  (taking a deep breath)  Ok. You’re right. I’m being a tad snarky but….

Beau:  A tad?  If by a ‘tad’ you mean a lot. I agree. I’m just trying to get an audience here with you so that I can have my say and all you keep doing is whatever you’re doing and ignoring me.

Me:  Excuse me?  When has anything I’ve been busy doing kept you from having your say?

Beau:  Never actually. But the point isn’t about me having my say. It’s about you listening to what I have to say and actually hearing me.

Me:  Beau. I listen to you all the time. When you tell me you want to go out. I take you out. When you say you want to cuddle. We cuddle. When you say your dish is empty, I fill it. Isn’t that listening and hearing you?

Beau:   Did I say I wanted this haircut?

Me:  Oh that. Well. It’s spring. You needed to get shaved down.

Beau:  It’s snowing out.

Me:  Well, how was I to know spring would stay in hibernation all the way into April?

Beau:  You’re still mad about my muddy paws. Go ahead. You can admit it.

Me:  I am not mad about your muddy paws, Beau.

Beau:  So why’d you do this to me then? Why’d you get me almost skinned?

Me:  You aren’t almost skinned Beau. Besides. You look handsome.

Beau:  Ha! That’s easy enough for you to say. You’re not the one being forced to run around in the snow in their birthday suit.

Me:  Hey! I offered to put your cowsuit coat on to keep you warm.

Beau:  See. Just as I said. You don’t listen to me.

Me:  Now what did I miss?

Beau:  I told you in January that suit is not on my brand and I am not jeopardizing my brand just because you think it’s cute.

Me:   So… you’re saying you’d rather be cold?

Beau:  I’m saying my dignity is worth more than a few photo ops for your Instagram account. But anyway, you’ve changed the subject. This is about me. Not you.

Me:  (sigh)  Isn’t it always.

Beau:  When you don’t avoid the questions, change the subject or pretend you can’t hear me. Yes.

Me:  (another sigh. a long one.)  I’m listening.

Beau:  I want an apology.

Me: For what?

Beau:  Isn’t it obvious?

Me:  If you’re a dawg maybe.

Beau:  I want you to apologize for this atrocity of a haircut.

Me:  And after the apology what do you want me to do to make amends?

Beau:  You know you’re rolling your eyes again, right?

Me:  Sorry. Force of habit.

Beau:  I don’t think you’re taking this very seriously Louise.

Me:  Am I supposed to?

Beau:   If you don’t want me to go roll in a mudpuddle. Yes.

Me:  You wouldn’t dare!

Beau:  Try me. You know it will eventually warm up again and the snow will melt and…  well… you get the picture.

Me: (sigh)  I apologize.

Beau:  I apologize for….

Me:  (sigh – but no eye rolling)   For not consulting you on your haircut before taking you to the groomers.

Beau:  Good. Now, for amends, I want steak for dinner every night this week.

Me:  Beau…!

Beau:  Do you smell spring in the air…?

Me:  Beau!

Beau:  Off you go now. You’re dismissed.

Sigh. And so, off I went.  But seriously. How does he do that? Always win? Even when I know I’m in the right?  Oh wait. In a dawg’s world, it’s not about right and wrong, it’s all about who’s Top Dawg. And we know who that is in this household!