Me: Beau! Get away from the edge.
Beau: Why?
Me: Duh. Because you’re too close.
Beau: Too close to what? A) doing something I love – swimming. B) Doing something you worry will mean you have to jump in and save me. OR C) Doing something you really wish you had the courage to do but your mind keeps telling you it’s not safe even though you haven’t even tried.
Me: Ummm…. Can we just stick with you obeying my commands?
Beau: No.
Me: (sighing) Excuse me?
Beau: Why? Did you fart? You’re outdoors. The wind will carry away your odourous emissions.
Me: Beaaaauuuu!
Beau: Whaaaatttt?
Me: Stop it!
Beau: Stop Whaaaatttt?
Me: That!
Beau: That Whaaaatttt?
Me: You know what. Stop it!
Beau: Whyyyyy?
Me: Aaarrrggghhhh!
Beau: Use your words Louise. I’m a dog. I don’t understand Aaarrrggghhhlish.
Me: I know you understand my commands.
Beau: When I want to.
Me: Aaarr….. (sighing big time) Look. All I’m asking is for you to step away from the edge. I don’t want you to fall in.
Beau: Why not? I’m an expert swimmer.
Me: I know that but I worry you’ll get caught in a riptide and be pulled out to sea or an Orca will come along and think you’re a playtoy and toss you up into the air or an eagle will….
Beau: (interrupting me) Whoa there Miss Doom, Gloom and Negative Fortune Telling. That’s a whole lot of drama for a dog standing on a rock, waiting for you to say, “I’ve got a treat for you. Please come back to me.”
Me: But I don’t have any treats with me.
Beau: Ah Ha! No treats. No obedience. That’s what they taught me in that ridiculous school you insisted I attend.
Me: That is NOT what they taught you.
Beau: It’s what I learned.
(he turns back to look at the sea)
Beau: Told you it was ridiculous.
Me: They taught you to come when called.
Beau: For a treat.
Me: Whether or not I have a treat!
Beau: Louise. Now who’s ignoring their training?
Me: What training?
Beau: Mine. Always carry treats.
Me: Oh, for heaven’s sake.
Beau: Besides, you’re missing the point.
Me: Which is?
Beau: Nothing you just described is happening.
Me: Not yet.
Beau: Ahhhh. Not yet.
Me: What?
Beau: Two little words and suddenly I’m drowning, being tossed around by an orca and carried off by an eagle.
Me: I’m trying to keep you safe.
Beau: From what’s happening or from what you’re imagining might happen?
(Pause.)
Me: Both?
Beau: Hmmm.
Me: Don’t “hmmm” me.
Beau: I’m just wondering why you’re making this moment chockablock full of everything you worry might happen in the next one.
Me: Because that’s what worry does.
Beau: Sounds exhausting.
Me: It is.
Beau: So why do it?
Me: I can’t help myself.
Beau: Ahhh. Alas, neither can I.
Me: Yes, you can. Obey my command.
Beau: Louise, I’m just a dog standing on a rock. Why all the commands? And, for that matter, all the drama?
Me: Because you’re too close to the edge.
Beau: Says you.
(He looks down at the water.)
Beau: Anyway, you’re standing way over there.
Me: So?
Beau: Without treats.
Me: We’re back to that?
Beau: Some dangers are real, Louise.
Me: Very funny. Can you just step away from the flippin’ edge?
Beau: Try asking nicely.
Me: Fine. Beaumont, would you puhlease step away from the edge?
(He looks at me.)
Beau: Finally. (he casually steps back.)
Me: You little bugger! You knew exactly what I wanted all along.
Beau: Of course.
Me: Then why did you put me through all of that?
Beau: I didn’t.
Me: Excuse me?
Beau: I stood on a rock.
(He trots past me.)
Beau: You supplied the orcas.
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