Me: Beaumont. Would you please get that disgusting thing off the couch.
Beau: It’s not a ‘thing’. It’s my Bebé.
Me: I don’t care what it is. It’s disgusting. Please take it away. Now.
Beau: If you throw it, I will.
Me: I am not touching that thing!
Beau: (oh so sweetly) Yes Louise?
Me: Make it go away.
Beau: That’s your job Louise. I am the dawg. You throw and make things go away. I run and fetch them back.
Me: I. Am. Not. Touching. That. Thing.
Beau: Louise… I told you. It’s my Bebé. Not a thing.
Me: And I told you. Whatever you call it, it’s disgusting.
Beau: You know you gave it to me, right?
Me: Yes. What’s your point?
Beau: My point is… you gave it to me so you could play with me. And now…. you refuse to play with me.
Me: When I gave it to you Beau it looked like a stuffed squirrel. Now… well, it’s looks more like a dead rat that’s been run over by one of those big rolly thingies they use on roads to smooth out the tar.
Beau: And whose fault is that?
Me: Not mine, that’s for sure.
Beau: Well… do you remember how you let my cousin Wilma play with it?
Me: She was a guest.
Beau: Did that give her the right to destroy my toy?
Me: Ummm…. Well…. Nooooo… But….
Beau: Keep your but out of it. The fact is, you let her destroy it. Another fact… ready for it, Louise?
Me: (sighing) Whether I am or not I’m pretty sure you’re oging to tell me.
Beau: Of course I am. The other fact is… Do you hear me complaining about what you let Wilma do?
Me: Ahhh…. I get it. This is an act of self-righteous indignation.
Beau: No. It’s an act of desperation.
Beau: Yes Louise. Desperation.
Me: Ok. I bite. Desperation why?
Beau: Firstly, I’ve told you not to use that phrase, “I bite’ in front of a dawg. Secondly. Desperation because I want you to play with me and this is how I get your attention.
Me: By putting that disgusting thing on the couch?
Beau: Beauty, as you of all hoomans should know Louise, is in the eye of the beholder. To me, Bebé is beautiful. Whether all stuffy and clean or destuffed and raggedy looking by my cousin Wilma the Labradoodle, who I think is really beautiful too. Bebé is beautiful because she’s my Bebé and I love her just the way she is.
Me: Do you have to love her on the couch?
Beau: Do you have to resist so hard playing with me… and Bebé?
Me: You know you can be very annoying sometimes, right?
Beau: You know you can be very difficult to get along with… but I love you anyway. No matter how you are, ’cause you’re my Hoomán!
Me: Why do I feel like I’ve just been shamed into acquiesing?
Beau: Not shamed Louise. Maybe a little guilted. But never shamed. To shame someone is not loving. But… guilt them… well… let’s just saaaay…..
Me: Say what Beau?
Beau: It’s so very hooman. And… when playing with a hooman, we dawgs know, sometimes we gotta play by your rules.
Me: You know you can be insufferable sometimes, right?
Beau: And you know you can be so very hooman, not to mention…
Me: Oh dear… here we go.
Beau: Oh so loveable…
Me: Loveable. Now I know you’re manipulating me.
Beau: Louise. Louise. I just speak truth. That’s all. You’re my hoomán and I love you.
Me: Is there a reason you have started saying it with an emphasis on the ‘a’ in hoomán?
Beau: Nope. It’s just fun.
Me: (sighing) Well, can we dispense with the fun and get that thin.. Bebé… off the couch please?
Beau: Are you going to pick up Bebé and play with me?
Me: (sighing) Fine.
And so… I gingerly pick up ‘that thing Bebé and throw it. Beau runs to fetch it and brings it back and dumps it back on the couch.
Me: Beaumont! It’s back on the couch!
Beau: Yes Louise. We’re not finished playing yet.
Me: But must you put it on the couch?
Beau: Just trying to make it easier for you. That’s all.
Me: Easier? How is that disgusting thing on the couch easier for me?
Beau: Well…. my friend Rod says you’re getting older. I don’t want you to have to bend down too far to pick up Bebé and risk hurting your back.
AAARRRRRGGGGHHHHH! And the games continue with Beaumont the great manipulator.
Beau: Don’t you mean Beaumont the Magnificent Louise?
Oh. And here’s a photo of Beaumont and his cousin Wilma…She loves to chase him and act like she’s running after the ball. She’s infatuated with him. Beau mostly ignores her.